Hee Boon's Amazing New Adventures

Gifts Of Life - Facing Cancer

2008-07-25T01:43:00.003+08:00

Dear friends and fans of this blog, The cover of the book to be launched in August is presented below: Price RM29.90Postage and Handling: RM5.00If you are interested in the book please contact: Lee Kian Foh +6012-236 2240 or email to : kianfoh@hotmail.com

Posted by: Blog Custodian

2008-07-13T16:37:00.002+08:00

INVITATION

The Family of the Late Foo Hee Boon, together with
The Management and Staff of the NCI Cancer Hospital
cordially invite

……………………………………………………………

to Book Launch of FOO HEE BOON’s “GIFTS OF LIFE” - Facing Cancer

by
Ir Gurmit Singh K.S.
President of CETDEM,and Recipient of Langkawi Award 1993

Saturday 9 August 2008, 10.30 a.m.at Auditorium, NCI Cancer Hospital, Nilai

RSVP by 2 August: Vivien Foo,016-2191938 or Chan Yoke Mun, yokemun2001@yahoo.com

Details:

Saturday 9 August 2008, 10.30 a.m.at Auditorium, NCI Cancer Hospital,Nilai, Negri Sembilan

Tentative Programme

10.30 - Arrival of guests

10.40 - Welcome to NCI by Family and Production Team

11.00 - Launch Address by Ir Gurmit Singh K.S. President of CETDEM, Recipient of Langkawi Award ‘93

11.15 - Book launch: Presentation of book to Madam Gan Sum Heng and Madam Vivien Foo

11.20 - Reading of excerpts from ‘Gifts of Life – Facing Cancer’ by Mano Maniam and friends.

11.40 - Excerpts from Astro Ria programme KuMohon

11.50 - Tribute in Song: “Gifts of Life” by Benedict Foo

11.55 - Thank you from Family by Vivien Foo

12.00 - High Tea / Press Conference

Posted by :Blog Custodian

100th Day Memorial Dana

2006-11-10T20:15:00.000+08:00

There will be a 100th Day Memorial Dana for Brother Hee Boon. The details are as follows:

Date : 11 Nov 2006
Time : 10.30 am
Venue : MBCS (Malaysian Buddhist Co-operative Society)
Address : 15, SS3/6, Petaling Jaya, Selangor, Malaysia.

Vegetarian lunch will be served.

Blog posted by Blog Custodian.

2006-08-25T22:06:00.000+08:00

OBITUARY
Hej, I have gone to another phase of life…!

Foo Hee Boon
30 March 1967 – 4 August 2006

Mother Father
Gan Sum Heng Foo Ho Meng (deceased)

Sister
Vivien Foo Siew Chan

Nephew
Wong Choon Wei

Niece
Wong Choon Mei

Relative and friends to mourn their loss
To die a good death is to have lived a great life…come celebrate my life at my funeral services on Sunday, 6 August 2006 at Seremban from 11am to 1pm. Cremation will be held at 2.30pm at MPPJ Crematorium (Kg.Tunku, P.J.)

For details please call Vivien at 016-219 1938 or services program at http://fhbadventure.blogspot.com/
Address: No 1161, Lucky Garden,
70300 Seremban, N.Sembilan
Tel: 016 –219 1938

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

The family of the late FOO HEE BOON
acknowledges, with heartfelt appreciation, all assistance rendered, prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement and sympathy during his illness and their recent bereavement.

Sincere gratitude to:

Dato’ Dr. Ronald McCoy and Datin McCoy
Doctors and Staff of NCI Cancer Hospital
Astro Team of Ku Mohon Program (Episode 1)
Malaysian Buddhist Cooperative Society
Former colleagues at Third World Network (TWN)
and United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (Bonn)
Management and Staff of Malaysian Nature Society
Alumni of IIIEE, Lund University and University Putra Malaysia
Relatives, dear friends and well-wishers
and readers of his blog:
fhbadventure.blogspot.com

HE WILL FOREVER BE MISSED AND REMEMBERED BY MANY

Funeral update

2006-08-05T14:29:00.000+08:00

Dear all,

At point of posting of past blog, funeral details were still not available. Below are the latest details:

Funeral
Date : Sunday 6 August 2006
Time : From 11 am to 1 pm
Address : 1161, Jalan Rasah, Seremban, 70300, Negeri Sembilan

Cremation
Date : Sunday 6 August 2006
Time : 2.30 pm
Venue : MPPJ Cremation (Kg. Tunku PJ)

For more details, contact :

Vivian's number (Hee Boon's sister) : 6 0162191938 or 6 06 7630950

(Posted by Blog Custodian)

End of a great chapter

2006-08-04T15:25:00.000+08:00

Dear all,

As a blog custodian, I received news from Vivian (Hee Boon's sister) that Hee Boon passed away peacefully at 1.50 am this morning.

I'm sure he has touched the hearts of many and Vivian would like to thank all who have given encouragement and love during this 'new adventure' of his. He will definitely be missed by many.

As what he had shared with us through his blog, we must 'make meaning' out of the event. (For those who read his blogs, he wrote a subject on 'making meaning' on May 22nd 2005). He viewed the newly discovered cancer as a 'gift' and chose what he wanted to do with it and touched many hearts. In the same spirit, we should also make meaning out of his great adventure and choose what we want to do with it. Personally, his adventure simply means 'the greatest adventure ever told' and shall be shared as my best example when I discuss with people on encouragement and power of mind.

For the funeral, you can pay your last respect to him at:

1161, Jalan Rasah,
Seremban
70300
Negeri Sembilan

Vivan's number : 6 0162191938 or 6 06 7630950

(posted by Blog Custodian)

NCI

2006-07-27T10:08:00.000+08:00

I'm going back to NCI as I'm still weak, tired even when using the notebook. Wish me well!

(Posted by Blog Custodian)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

2006-07-20T15:03:00.000+08:00

Back home. But still very very weak. Need rest before I can blog about my more than a month sojourn at NCI. Even typing this is a chore. Bear with me. I am taking each moment as it comes...

Extended stay at NCI

2006-07-17T08:16:00.000+08:00

Hee Boon is continuing his treatment at NCI, hoping to return soon. Thanks to all wellwishers!

(Blog posted by Hee Boon's blog custodian)

Out of reach (for a while)

2006-06-17T03:04:00.000+08:00

I will be MIA to undergo treatment for a fornight @ nci. Wish me well...

There way it should not be...

2006-06-11T16:49:00.000+08:00

I will be going to NCI Cancer Hospital tomorrow. The breathlessness is gripping again. My mom is bathing me again because physical exertion renders me breathless like a few months ago.

So sorry for my mom to bath his ailing son! I apologised to my mom because instead of me taking care of her in her twilight years; I am the one that need taking care of...

Most probably I will need to be admitted. But not sure for how long and what treatment awaits me.

Friends

2006-06-11T16:33:00.000+08:00

This post is dedicated to Cheah, Fong, Simon, Kian Foh, Mrs McCoy and Kiyau Loo.

In my journey, I found new meaning in friendship. There are friends who are steadfast in their care, and even increased the depth of their concern me. Of course there are so-called "friends" whom I thought would be concerned with me; did not even bother to contact me at all. Never mind. But there are also brand new friends who surprised me with their commitment.

The Friends have bought me joy and solace whenever they visit, call or just sms. Words fail me in expressing my gratefulness. Blessed am I to have our path crossed. I hope I have been a good friend to you too. May our friendship continue forever; crossing even the present lifetime.

Thanks for being there...

Unplugged

2006-06-11T16:18:00.000+08:00

Unable to conveniently access the net because one of my Homeplug malfunctioned. Too tedious for me to walk to the main modem. I now work from the bed.

Kian Foh just brought a new set for me and my window to the world is open again!

New Friends

2006-06-02T12:13:00.000+08:00

I opened my email inbox and groaned....I was spammed!!! There are like tonnes of emails which I don't recognise.

Or was it? I looked again and they are all legitimate emails from viewers of Ku Mohon last night.

To everyone who took the time and effort to email me and leave comments on this blog, I thank you very very much. Your encouragement were fantastic.

New Friends, you made my day. :)

A Celebration of Life

2006-06-02T11:36:00.000+08:00

Talked with Khadijah awhile ago. She was at Ms K's funeral service last night.

Ms K died peacefully in her sleep. I am so happy for her. That is also something I yearn for.

Ms K has prepared a VCD to be shown during her funeral. There were also people coming up for her eulogies. She has prepared well for her funeral! Both of us have talked about this and have prepared for our funeral services; they will be a celebration of life! I am so happy she had her wish fulfilled for her funeral.

A lot of people came for her funeral; she was a very active lady who enjoyed life and friendships.

A celebration of life indeed!

Malaya Times

2006-06-02T11:23:00.000+08:00

Newspaper snippet from here :)

Ku Mohon is a series of half-hour TV programme from Astro Ria; a channel on Malaysia's satelite TV. I was featured in the first episode. The title Ku Mohon is also the theme song of the programme by Sheila Majid.

Have a safe journey, Ms K

2006-06-02T10:47:00.000+08:00

Khadijah called me yesterday to tell me that Ms K has passed away. Ms K is in Khadijah's qigung group, and Khadijah is the instructor.

For a moment I felt I am so very alone in my journey. I recall the email exchanges we had as we embarked on this journey together. Friends and relatives may comfort you but they will never know how you really really feel; unless they are cancer patients too.

Ms K and I understand perfectly each other's predicament. The pain, breathlessness, tantrum and frustration. But we do find comfort in our camaderie and the best thing is we found we are at peace in case of death.

I felt alone but it is only for a moment. I am now very happy for her because she is free now. In a way I envy her. She is now free from discomfort from a wrecked body. It is now spring time in her journey.

I didn't manage to speak to Khadijah today about Ms K's final moments. Khadijah went to Ms K's funeral service last night. This is so important to me that she is at peace in her last moments and did not suffer too much; this is something both of us aspire to.

Have a safe journey, Ms K. Whenever you are now, hope you are at peace and revel in this next phase in your journey...

Taking a break

2006-05-30T23:01:00.000+08:00

My blogging kind of slowed down lately. Well, there is no lofty aspirations like Carpe Diem when you are bed bound most of the time. Another reason I don't blog often is I prefer not to turn this into a blog to announce which ache at which part of my body.

If you want to know, I have an ache that's strolling throughout my body; one day it attacks my shoulders, another day it attacks my waist. Sort of strolling around my body. Most of the time it is painful to stand and sit without back support, so that's why I prefer to lie down.

Coughing comes occasionally when my throat is dry, and the position of my body is not right.

Another disturbing development is a growing numbness in my right hand. The underarm of the right hand is numb including the ring and little finger.

I have not adjusted my mind yet to this new physical reality. Have not adjusted to being productive in this state. Most of the time, I lie and try to adjust to the most comfortable position.

Appetite's gone too. Don't enjoy home cooked food. But I do think of all the outside food; all the time. Hej, that's how I occupied my mind nowadays! Maybe I am not used to my sister's & maid's cooking. I wish I am up and able to cook on my own.

Sleeping is disturbed at night as I adjust many times to more comfortable positions.

Thinking about Ms K's condition also does not help. Sometimes I want to end all this debilitating state. What is the use of lying down all the time; being useless and unmotivated. Yes, I have blogged about Carpe Diem but it is not what I want to do now...

That's another reason for the long interval in blogging. My motivation is not what I would like it to be. I don't feel good blogging about my low motivation. But then this is what and how I feel now. It is the reality in my journey.

Perhaps I am just tired of trying to be strong. Maybe the effort is just too much. Maybe I just want to just let go. A break...

Peace

2006-05-28T17:01:00.000+08:00

I was in two minds to blog this. It will be a blog about someone else's suffering, but I figured since I may go down the same path, I will blog it. I hope Ms K will be ok with this.

Yesterday, Ms K replied to my sms. She is still on assisted-breathing via oxygen tank, and unable to walk nor stand. I had the "pleasure" of such debilitation in March. Lack of oxygen really shuts your system down. Slight physical exertion exhausted me.

She said her condition now is like one of our compatriot during his final days, before he too succumbed to lung cancer.

The last line in her sms is: "Stay well dear friend".

Suddenly I was enveloped by a sense of overwhelming loneliness and sorrow.

Ms K has been the anchor of our small network of lung cancer patients. We see our number dwindling as a few passed away. Ms K and I kept in touch via email, sms and phone calls; both encouraging each other. I still remember her cheerful encouragement to me when I contemplated chemo, which she has gone thru.

Yes, she is still alive. But both of us know the end is near for her. Unless a miracle happens, we know another phase is opening.

Both of us have discussed our eventual demise. Both of us are at peace with death, it is just the thought about process of dying that is uncomfortable.

How will we die? I asked this question to one of my doctors. He said there are many ways we lung cancer patients go; one is metastasis to the liver where there will be liver failure and toxins just accumulate in our body. This will knock us into coma and eventual death.

Another is metastasis to the brain where again there will be coma, a series of comas even when we drift in and out of the coma and eventually die. I told the doctor I prefer the 2nd option as I drift slowly into a series of comas and then a full stop...haha!

Indeed, a few nights ago, while lying on my bed, I imagined the ideal death will be like a house at night; we can see from the windows as the lights were shut one-by-one when the occupants retire for the night; a slow gentle system shut down.

The doctors have done what they can for Ms K. I wish Ms K peace come what may, and a peaceful transition when that phase of her life comes...

Alert

2006-05-25T09:50:00.000+08:00

Well, it's final then.

One of my insurance policy lasped in January 2005 during one of the most tumultuous period of my life. Although my first cancerous symptom happened withing the policy's period, but the official diagnosis was like 2 months later. I was hoping the company would take the view that the symptom counts as good enough for compensation.

It was not to be. So I contacted the the Financial Mediation Bureau for help. But they too of the view that my policy refers to an official diagnosis, which the policy clearly stated. So FMB agreed with the decision of the insurance company to not award the compensation.

It's all water under the bridge now.

Lessons learnt:
1) It's my responsibility to keep my policies up-to-date, but it would helped a lot if you have a conscientuos insurance agent alert you to deadlines. The agent for this particular insurance policy only contacted me after the lapse and remarked "Too bad..." when I told him that I had cancer.

He sort of abandoned me after that, but came back to give some minor tips after another insurance agent who is my friend contacted him. So get a good policy and look-out for a insurance agent who has your welfare in mind, and not just to collect premium.

How to get a good insurance agent? I would base it on recommendation from friends and relatives. What would you do?

I know my other insurance agent is par excellence. She went beyond the call of duty and she is from another insurance company, yet helped me to talk to my renegade agent and personally handed my petition to FMB.

2) Put premium payment on auto payment such as credit card autopayment, or other automatic payment. That insurance policy lasped between the death of my grandma, father and my hospitalisation, and I didnt get reminder letters. It is time like this an auto payment scheme is so valuable. I thought there is an Auto Payment Loan facility for that policy, but that was a term insurance so it is not available. Numerous reasons...

It finally came...

2006-05-22T08:37:00.000+08:00

Comment spammers attacked this blog yesterday. There are like 20 comments made probably by spammers programme that leads to advertisements. So I have instituted word verification and moderation for the comments section to prevent these useless comments.

The State of the Union 2

2006-05-19T12:24:00.000+08:00

The leg pain is gone, to be replaced by enhanced neck pain. It's the usual neck pain at the back of my left neck. Sleep was disturbed last night. Eating is slightly painful when I open my mouth, it presses the pain spot at the back of head. I hope this will go away soon, I am eating less due to this pain.

Coughing also came depending on the position I lie down.

I was supposed to have a consultation with Dr Kana yesterday. He called the day before to advise that it is not necessary if I do not want to continue with the 2nd round chemotherapy. NCI thinking is that it is not necessary to go thru all the scans and x-rays if the patients is feeling fine. They only treat if the symptoms come back especially for palliative care cases like me.

I agree with him. So let's see how long the previous chemo will hold up my health...

The day the dial-tone died...

2006-05-19T12:21:00.000+08:00

Late Tuesday afternoon a major telephone cable malfunctioned causing my neighbourhood telephone line to go kaput until this morning. 3 days without net access!

Ages begone and beyond

2006-05-15T10:07:00.000+08:00

Amazing.

I kept reading her description of her adopted daughter,"‘Who can resist her smile and her twinkling eyes?’

The Star, Saturday May 13, 2006

She loves her like her own

By LOONG MENG YEE; newesdesk@thestar.com.my

KLANG: When Wong Lee Foong was about a year old, her grandmother wished her dead.

“It's better for you to die before I do. If not, who will care for you?” she once asked.

But the grandmother was not being cruel.

The family was just too poor and hard-pressed to care for the youngest child, born with cerebral palsy and epilepsy and could neither walk nor talk.

To eke out a living, the grandmother would troop the four grandchildren under her care to the fields to plant lady's fingers in Kundang, Rawang.

While the rest of her siblings played, Lee Foong was left under a tree, attracting flies as she urinated and defecated.

Grandma fed the child with condensed milk, the only kind of baby food she could afford.

And then along came Roxanna Lim, a social worker who took the child as her own.

She was a single working woman then, but she promised to be the best mother to the disabled child.

For the next 20 years, Lim tried to live up to the promise. She quit her job to become a full-time mother and has been living on donations since.

When Lee Foong 's contorted body needed a special medical bed, Lim begged a private rehabilitation school to give her one.

When the special child's eyes were diagnosed with retina detachment, Lim took her to Singapore for a corrective surgery. A couple sponsored the trip and the surgery was a success.

“I want my Lee Foong to continue seeing the beautiful rainbow, her favourite Barney show and her pretty Christmas dress,” said Lim, 53.

The journey through life for the awesome twosome has been peppered with laughter, sorrow, despair and encouragement and, above all, faith, hope and love.

Asked if she regretted taking in Lee Foong, Lim said: “It has not been easy, but I have God on my side.

“Who can resist her smile and her twinkling eyes? My baby may not be like the rest, but she is definitely not a child of a lesser God,” said Lim.

I can only surmise that a bond this strong has gone and will go on beyond this lifetime. A bond that has continued for many lifetimes before this, and may continue for many more after this. Roxanna sees Lee Foong beyond her physical disability; "her smile and her twinkling eyes". Where another would look away or stare with pity; Roxanna felt blessed to be a mother to Lee Foong.

That is a link beyond the comprehension of mere mortals like me. She saw beyond the current reality. Surely a bond like this has been built upon ages that have passed. Both may have been mother and daughter, father and son, husband and wife, siblings, lovers or best friends in other lifetimes and different lifeforms. This life is just a another passage for this two connection of energy to reunite again, and reaffirm their oneness.

Words fail me in expressing the awesome wonder of their bond. Nay, it is beyond intellect to embrace the magnificent tie both Roxanna and Lee Foong have. I can only wonder and rejoice at this astounding bond.

Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!

Ms K

2006-05-14T16:46:00.000+08:00

My fellow lung cancer patient Ms K is still in the hospital with 24-hours oxygen-assisted breathing. She has been hospitalised for more than 2 weeks. She is not that fast in replying to sms, sometimes it took days.

One day I asked Khadijah about Mr K's condition and she said Ms K managed to sit on a chair instead of confined to the bed. That was a few days ago. Yesterday, Ms K sms-ed me to say she is need 24-hours oxygen assistance.

Whenever I think of her, I think that her current condition was what I had experienced recently, and it could happen again...

Friend of the departed

2006-05-14T16:32:00.000+08:00

On Saturday, mom went to our old house and retrieved some letters. One of the letters is from my dad's friend in Australia. Mr Lee enquired, in his letter, if my dad is still at that address. Both of them were colleagues at the Police Department and Mr Lee migrated to Australia.

I remembered nearly 30 years ago my dad bought back cassette tapes from Mr Lee. My dad and Mr Lee shared, at that time, similar taste in music. Mostly instrumental piano of popular songs.

They kept in touch occasionally and exchanged Chinese New Year cards without fail every year.

I recall Mr Lee's card last February before my dad passed away. I wanted to write to Mr Lee to convey the news but I was hospitalised a week later, and my family and I were engulfed in greater turmoil; my cancer! And his card and contacts are also lost in the move to move away and clear my dad's possession.

So here's another chance to write to Mr Lee.

Mother's Day

2006-05-14T16:28:00.000+08:00

No Mother's Day celebration here. I arranged for my niece and her best friend to bring mom to the Mother's Day buffet at one of the local hotels. Mom said she don't want to go. My sister is away and I am incapacitated by the leg pain.

Maybe that's why she is not keen to celebrate Mother's day when her kids are not around her. I didnt manage to plan for anything else because I didn't expect her to say no. So no go.

Reflective Wesak Day

2006-05-12T12:46:00.000+08:00

A year ago, I posted this blog. It is still relevant for today...
Have a reflective Wesak Day!

Here we go again?

2006-05-12T12:41:00.000+08:00

Knocked my left shin yesterday, and a bump developed. On top of that, I sprained the muscle of my right butt. The night previously I was pushing myself up the bed with my right leg and the pain developed gradually.

So both of my legs are painful. Worse when getting up; pain shows you which muscle are involved in which action! So now, again, I am confined mostly to the bed because walking is so painful. And with pain, there goes my appetite too...

I sure hope the pain of the muscle is just that, a sprain and not radiating from the pelvis metastatis. If that happens I may need to go for radiotherapy again...

Makeover

2006-05-07T11:43:00.000+08:00

As I reported a few months back, I will be featured in a new Astro TV programme. It is a series featuring Malaysians who are coping with ailments. It is scheduled to be shown this June. One of the feature of the programme is to fulfill a wish of the patient.

I have always wanted to create a "nostalgia corner" as a tribute to my parents; a space harking back to the 50s, 60s and 70s with a wall-full of black and white photos of our family especially my dad. So Astro engaged Eric Leong to the task. Eric is the interior designer who made the local "reality" show Casa Impian the 2nd highest rated Astro programme after Akademi Fantasia.

So on the 26 April the Astro crew, Eric and workers from sponsors came to do the makeover. There are around a total of 20 people in the makeover which took 5.5 hours; a record for Eric. This makeover is also the first outside the Klang Valley.

I have loaded photos of this makeover in my web album at flickr.com. The Astro programme will be shown in June.

MIA

2006-05-07T10:51:00.000+08:00

Yes, I hv been missing from this blog for a week. Just giving myself a break. As I have said before, when things are relatively smooth; there is not much turmoil to break out those creative juices!

Health-wise, it is either stable or improving so slowly that I hardly notice it. But I am well except of the on-off pain at the back of my left head and neck. Not delibitating but makes me move like Robocop; stiffly and I have to turn my whole body to turn my head!

I also spend most of the time on the bed because sitting on a chair tires my back when I have to balance the neck pain. Also spent most of the time resting because I get tired easily especially immediately after the chemo sessions.

I do my net surfing and work on laptop on my bed because of the back support from the Paramount bed. I can walk slowly but can't walk too far because the legs are quite weak.

I was like a couch potato last week because suddenly I took a sudden liking to watch videos of American Idols rejects. Amazing to see how some people do not know they can't sing, but they are all entertaining ;) Too bad they have stopped producing Malaysian Idol.

Appetite is still ok but tend to prefer stronger tasting food like curry.

So a day in my life last week was to learn some Chinese characters, reading, net surfing and resting.

Hang on, Ms K

2006-04-30T18:24:00.000+08:00

Ms K my fellow lung cancer patient compatriot is not doing well. She had radiotherapy to her lung area last week. I sms-ed her awhile ago but she is still breathless and had to be admitted to another hospital.

For a year, I have been the receipient of best wishes and hopeful thoughts from many including Ms K. When Ms K replied to my sms that she is getting worse, I am at a loss to reply. Replied I did after awhile. I understand the effort many of us put into to wish someone well. How do we form the wishes, the words to balance between the hopeful and letting go.

Ms K's fate could be mine. My condition a few weeks ago is her condition now. I pulled thru, and I hope she will too...

mggpillai.com

2006-04-28T16:36:00.000+08:00

MGG Pillai, one of the doyen of Malaysian cyberactivism, has passed away. His website is one of local sites I visit regularly for refreshing analysis on Malaysian and sometimes overseas politics.

May he rest in peace.

Part of this new phenomenon...

2006-04-28T10:54:00.000+08:00

Yes, you are now , somewhat, part of what the New York Times just featured ;)

On my mind

2006-04-26T11:00:00.000+08:00

I am constantly thinking of Ms K my fellow lung cancer patient. Recently she developed breathlessness just like I did, and Iressa has lost its effectiveness on her cancer cells, just like mine did. Like me, she got some really crucial decisions to make, and the outcome of those decisions are quite unknown. I feel for her because that's what I have gone thru recently.

We have supported each other constantly and really hope she will go thru this hurdle. She is the anchor of our little informal network of lung cancer patients, and we have seen two of them passed away. Yes, it is grim.

I hope things will look up for her. Hang on, Ms K!

Walkabout

2006-04-26T10:46:00.000+08:00

On Monday, after more than 2 months, I ventured to go shopping at Seremban's Jusco S2. My mom, sis and I had steamboat lunch before attacking the store ;)

Had no problem prowling the corridors; no breathlessness.

Next is to visit the bookstores. ;)

Squeeze and Pinch tests 2

2006-04-26T10:37:00.000+08:00

In February I blogged about the Squeeze & Pinch tests to check on my weight and strength of my right hand.

I used the Squeeze test a few days ago and it showed the strength of the right index, middle and thumb is returning. I am able to squeeze the liquid out of the bottle. The Pinch test it showed that I have gained some flesh on my butt...haha..previously before the 1st chemo I felt only something like a dried-up prune, now it is more fleshy ;)

A brief history of me...

2006-04-24T00:55:00.000+08:00

Yes, time to look back at my therapies; what worked, what are dicey and what's out...for me at least.

Let's look at the elements one by one; Medication, Food and other therapies. Because they play a major part in my therapy so far.

So let's start with Medication. Then we look at glorious food and others. :)

Medication

2006-04-24T00:36:00.000+08:00

The first information I received when I was first diagnosed with cancer are books by Dr Chris Teo. The books I read of which he authored are full of warnings about chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Although he tried to be objective, what came out of his books are warnings that the "cure is worse than the disease". He advocated more "gentle" therapies like change of diet and herbs which he concocted and sold at his centres.

I never doubted Dr Chris Teo sincerity in promoting an alternative path to cancer therapy. I first knew of Dr Teo when I read his books on orchids when I was a Horticultural undergraduate at UPM. And his books are the result of his selflessly helping cancer patients in the way he know how. He had sacrificied time and resources to set up his CACARE centres. His botanical knowledge has also helped in formulating his herbal therapy.

And of course it is up to the reader to judge and evaluate his records of real life experiences of patients. He is objective enought to present statistical record of the cancer patients whom he and his counsellors seen.

It was me who took the part of the negative effects of conventional therapies very seriously. I decided to eschew chemo and radio for the initial part of my cancer journey. I decided to go the path of herbal path and other alternative therapy like qigung and Chinese traditional medicine.

It was after I met with Dr Kana and Dr Selva of NCI in April 2005, that I decided to thread gingerly to radiotherapy to my C6 vertebra. Dr Kana gave me a kindly warning that I my option is the tumour eating away at my spine and paralysing me from the chest down, or take the chance that the radiotherapy will ease the pain and have minimal side effects.

I took the chance and so far it fine. Of course, I am under no illusion that radiotherapy is radioactive material released into my body and the effects may or may not be tolerable in the long run. The NCI doctors made this clear. I blogged about this here.

I do take Dr Teo's herbs and other supplements. Mostly supplements from direct selling companies which I have abandoned because I don't think they worked, or much cheaper alternatives can be bought elsewhere.

I have blogged about the attitude of some irresponsible direct selling personnels here. I prefer now to consult Dr Pang who is a qualified medical doctor with an interest in preventive medicine rather than to hear out some unqualified direct selling person who is more interested in filling his or her quota of the month!

My experience in chemotherapy is the opposite of most patients. I took the much more expensive IRESSA before trying out the initial "defense" lines of chemotherapy. Dr Kana said I should try the first and 2nd line of chemo defenses, when these become ineffective, I can then try out Iressa. But I refused to touch chemotherapy.

Then I had a major breathless episode at the end of May 2005. As I lay panting in NCI, Dr Selva decided on Iressa for me. It worked very well for me, in a few days time I am up and about and able to breath unassisted. So Iressa worked for me; 10% of non-small cell lung cancer patients.

But since the last 2 months, I guessed the cancer cells have mutated and Iressa don't seem to be effective no more; hence the last episode of breathlessness. So I am now on chemo which seems to be working well so far.

Prior to last May's breathless episode, I remembered I was also seeing Dr Yong my Chinese medicine physician and she kept on saying I am looking great although slowly the tumour is filling up my lungs. I had herbs from Dr Teo, and qigung and acupuncture from Dr Yong; I thought I had my bases covered.

But looking back, it is the "orthodox" and "conventional" therapies like radiotherapy and chemotherapy that made the difference. The alternative therapies may have helped, or gave a psychological boost but the moment the orthodox therapies entered my body, the healing effects were instantaneous. I can't deny their effects, while the alternative therapy results are dicey, and forget about claims from the direct selling supplements...for me at least.

Before I end this section. I must say some cancer patients who took his herbs responded well, and some of the direct selling supplements may have helped some patients. What I have written are my personal experience.

I would say do try things out. Both orthodox and alternatives. Some may work for you at that moment in time. I am no fundamentalist, if a therapy which worked for a certain period of time loses its effectiveness, I am ready for change.

Or the other way round, if the time has come for my body to receive a therapy which doesn't work the last time, I am also ready to give it another try. But watch out for scumbags who are just out to suck money from you!

But at the same time, do seek oncologists who will treat you like a thinking human being and emphatise with you, and not someone who treats you like a piece of meat to just be pumped with chemicals.

I have heard of oncos who get angry if their patients or caregivers asked more details or expressed doubts about their therapy ; leave immediately if this happens! I myself experienced an onco who sneered at my herbal therapy, and raised the price of Iressa when he knew I am seeing another oncologist.

But the bottomline for me, at this moment in time, it is the orthodox therapies like radiotherapy and chemotherapy have helped. 'Nuff said.

Food therapy

2006-04-24T00:19:00.000+08:00

Yes, food as medicine, medicine as food. Again, I am writing from personal experience. Experience from just only me, so proceed with caution!

Before cancer, I have been a sort of health nut. When working overseas, I have always cooked with organic ingredients and avoided so-called harmful stuff like sugar and artificial ingredients. That habit continues when I returned to Malaysia. I think I kept well physically too. But cancer still came, I guess food has less to do with my type of cancer. That is why when people give me advice on diet, I usually heard it all before, I was living the organic and sort of macrobiotic lifestyle before cancer! Yin Yang of food and diet; I knew that ;)

The first book I read when I was first diagnosed with cancer was books by Dr Chris Teo of CACARE, Macrobiotic Diet of Michio Kushi, Dr Lai of Lapis Lazuli Light, Gerson Therapy and recipe book of June Kahong Lim of Eco-Wood Cuisine. Yes, I am well informed. Not only that, I took to their advise enthusiastically.

I turned vegan overnite; avoiding even oil, sugar and salt, and only organic stuff! Many of my friends wondered how I cope. But their diet is not alien to me, and I find them palatable. Brown rice with blanched vege are my diet during the initial days.

Did it help?

What I am sure are they gave me great joy because I felt I am in control and the taste is not that bad. When I was better, I even cooked them myself (will put up some photos of dishes I cooked at flicker.com!).

But did it really help?

I am not sure. Maybe it has. Maybe it helped to keep the tumours are bay for a time. I was diagnosed in March, and had brain seizure and breathlessness in May. The breathlessness was due to tumours filling up my lungs, and I was already full steam on my vegan diet then. Maybe the cancer was too advanced for the diet change?

I remembered telling Dr Kana I am no fundamentalist. I am no food taliban. I will change if the vegan diet doesn't work.

I started to take meat and outside food in September 2005. Then I had brain seizure in October and my condition deteorated. Some friends it could be due to my easing of my strict diet. I doubt it. I think it's because Iressa was loosing its hold on the cancer cells...

Where am I now?

During the past 2 months, my weight fell from 45kg in October to just 39kg early March before my first chemo session. Breathlessness has returned gradually, and gripped tightly early March. I could hardly walk and was panting at the slightest exertion. My appetite slowly spiraling down; even good food don't appeal when you are breathless!

I took the decision to abandon the strict diet and throw out any feeling of guilt when eating so-called "forbidden" food. It is working because I have gained weight. I am now around 41kg since I eat, in moderation, food that I have avoided for more than a year. It is working for me, for now.

As I have mentioned, I am no food taliban. I know what worked before, if they don't work now, I will abandon that diet, but that doesn't mean I won't return to them again when the time is right and my body is ready for them.

For now, eating in moderation meat, tropical fruits (which many cancer diet advised against. A qigung master especially warned against durian!), outside food, sugar-laden pastry seems to be ok with me. I am gaining weight, energy and vitality. I know this is helped also by the chemotherapy.

Food purist, Dr Teo or followers of macrobiotics may cringe at my current choice of diet. But hey, I am listening to my body and it seems to like these now! I like this article by Dr Gayek.

So I am shelving the cancer diet therapies for now. Bon Appetite!

Other therapies

2006-04-23T11:22:00.000+08:00

For a period, I see Dr Yong my Chinese physician weekly. She will monitor my condition, prescribe meditation if necessary and gave me qigung and acupuntucture treatment. I thought I had the best of both worlds; orthodox therapy at NCI and Chinese medicine with Dr Yong. But it all ended in October last year when Dr Yong suddenly decided to quit practising.

Did it help? The Chinese medicine? I think at least I have an assurance of added medical monitoring. The acupuncture gave additional boost to my confidence that they support me in the orthodox therapies.

But I can't say with absolute confidence that they visibly helped. At that time I was on Iressa and that helped clearly.

I was also practising Chi Dynamics' qigung. That gave me a boost that I am in some sort of control over my healing. Occasional what I presume are movement of qi helped to sustain my practise. When I was able to drive before October last year, I was also doing the Gui Lin qigung at the Seremban Lake Gardens every morning. I learnt Gui Lin qigung before I had my cancer.

I would have loved to report that they helped me, but I can't with confidence. All I can say is they gave a sense of responsibility and control that we can manage our own health. But there are lots of testimonials and anecdotal evidence of their effectiveness of many other people, and of course many qigung styles have centuries of refinement!

I have also learnt Reiki. A reiki master came to me when I was still recovering from surgery in IJN and gave me reiki treatment, and another reiki master came to do some healing when I was back in Seremban. I felt "something" during the first IJN session but nothing after that. Then late last year I took Reiki 1 & 2 which are Master-guided lessons on reiki. I don't feel any affinity to it so I dropped the reiki healing.

Other therapies which I have tried and dropped is the very interesting Malay faith healer or bomoh. He is an accountant but found that faith healing as his calling. I met him very early in my journey. He gave the typical prescription for mandi bunga of lemons and leaves, and a blessed amulet. I saw him twice and then stopped. Well, he kept on saying I will be ok!

Sometimes, friends who came hold prayers for me. It felt good to know of their concern. Once, a lost party of Hare Krishna devotees was persuaded by my sister to come and pray for me. What a riot! There I was lying in bed while the group of Hare Krishna devotees played their bangles and drums and sang prayers for me! Check out my blog about this here. I have listened also to Muslim Sufi healing surah which a friend sent for me. She is the singer of these surahs.

I had an experience with retro-hypnotherapy or regressive hypnotherapy too. It required me to go into hypnosis and retrieve past wrongs and hurts, and attempt to heal them. I find the process tedious and awkward. I prefer Anthony Robbin's method of healing now, rather than uncovering past hurts and feel the pain again. I dropped it.

Looking back, I can say, yeah, those were the days! I was open to many things, and still am. I see myself as a guinea pig for all these healings. Those times, I can feel the desperation of grasping whatever therapy that offers a glimmer of hope.

But of course I am wiser now especially to herbal treatments, and products of direct selling companies.

Back

2006-04-21T05:54:00.000+08:00

Back from my 3rd cycle of chemo yesterday afternoon. The 3 injections were uneventful except for the final one. Not sure if it is the anxiousness of going home, but I felt a bit breathless after half the chemo was in.

The doctors stopped the chemo session. Anyway, back home now and everything seems fine.

On the way home, stopped by a stall to buy some mangoes and coconuts. Also indulged in one durian fruit. I ate just a few ulas (arils) of the D99 clone. Yum for the durians ; if paradise has a fragrance, it will be the durian's aroma :)

It's my first durian for more than a year. It's amazing the amount of deprivations I can take!

Family

2006-04-17T10:11:00.000+08:00

I take leave from this blog for a few days starting tomorrow (18 April). I will have my 3rd round of chemo at NCI. I will again leave you with something to ponder. It was sent to me by a friend.

F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
A still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger,
Common courtesy you use,
But the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
You never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,
And I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
That we are working for could easily replace us in
A matter of days..
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
For the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
Into work than into our own family,
An unwise investment indeed,
Don't you think?
So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Kylie

2006-04-15T09:45:00.000+08:00

She had it all. I remembered her as a fresh looking gal in 1980s belting songs like "Locomotion" and duet with Jason Donovan. Ah, those were the days, we the teens of 80s; an age emerging from the horrors of 70s...haha.

Kylie Minogue, from the looks of an innocent girl-next-door, evolved into a sex symbol she is today. From bubbly songs like "Locomotion" to sultry songs like "Slow".

Last year in May she was diagnosed with breast cancer. At the height of her career.

Today, saw her on an Astro retro programme; Double Shot, a programme about songs of the 1980s. There she is singing "Locomotion". This prompted me to google her and check her condition.

She is doing very well; able to visit Sri Lanka and go jet setting. She even sported a new look; recovering from hair loss obviously but she turned it into a chic and trendy look as only she can.

5 Stages of Grief

2006-04-14T10:38:00.000+08:00

I was watching an episode of The Simpsons the other day. Homer was given 24 hours to live after he ate what was purportedly poorly prepared Fugu dish. I was reminded about the 5 Stages of Grief when Homer went thru all 5 stages in 5 seconds in his physician's office. :)

The 5 Stages of Grief after receiving a traumatic news are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me"
2-Anger-"why me?"
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss.Begging, wishing, praying.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Our goals turn toward personal growth.

Sometimes one don't go thru that 5 stages in that sequence, or may backtrack in the stages or even miss some stages. I am now mostly in stage 5. I have mostly in early after the diagnosis asked "why me", not in anger but in trying to find a cause. A dash of self pity occasionally.

I always stop if I slipped into the bargaining stage because I thought that's pathetic. I heard of some terminally-ill patients who recovered when they made deals with God or themselves to do charity work if they recover. That's not for me. But if it works for others, more power to them!

Resource

2006-04-12T11:08:00.000+08:00

Good resource on cancer from Discovery Channel which has made April 2006 as its Cancer Control month. The link is also on my link column on the right side of this blog.

Awesome...the Web Unplugged?

2006-04-12T07:56:00.000+08:00

The end of Google and wi-fi?

I found this at Jeff Ooi's. Check out Webaroo!

It's a link

2006-04-11T16:07:00.000+08:00

Some readers don't realise this. But Blogger.com didn't give good indication if there is a link in a blogger's text. If u see a blue or purple word(s); it means there is a link. Like this. Or this. Or like this. Click on them and you will be linked either to other websites, details of a particular word or my other blogs. ok? :)

Carpe Diem real life

2006-04-10T15:49:00.000+08:00

On Saturday, I walked the longest distance in two months. I walked to the neighbourhood 7-11 and back at 6am, I think a total of 1 km. I was a bit exhausted but happy at the end. Got some snacks from 7-11 and nasi lemak from Al-Shafi restaurant besides it.

I also learnt something else.

I have always been surrounded by people who know my condition. Family, friends and medical staff. They are symphatetic and always try to bring me comfort and be gentle with me. It is easy to be nice to them in return too.

But what about people outside this community of comfort?

At the 7-11 store, I lingered for a long time to catch my breath. One of the 7-11 staff, I think became suspicious if I am looking for opportunity to shoplift. That was my thought when he asked me in what I thought is in a heavy handed manner if I need anything. I said I am looking around, and he retorted that once looked must buy. By instinct, I became quite upset and gave him a verbal lashing for treating a potential customer so shabbily. Oh boy, although I am physically dilipidated but my verbal defense skills are still top notch..haha

So he retreated. Then I remembered my Carpe Diem aspiration. I realised that I should be alert and spread goodwill, not add more misery to the world! So I apologised to the staff for my part, and explained to him why I was lingering so long. I also realised I do look like a drug addict with my dilipidated condition and ill-fitting clothing. If he is heavy handed, well, it is up to me to choose my response, and not to assume that he meant ill. It is up to me to respond to any situation. There is an option.

So that was a good lesson for me. There are people out there with issues of their own, and those who will treat me like any other; don't always expect the gentle handling as if from friends and family! Be alert to my own habits, instinct and reactions!

Occupied

2006-04-10T15:38:00.000+08:00

Been slow in blogging because I am playing with 2 new toys :)

First is my birthday present which I gave myself; a brand new notebook . Simon asked if I really want to invest in such a pricey notebook. I said I am not investing but indulging! The doctors said if the chemo is successful, I will have an extra 1 year. Well, hopefully if that is so, let's make this a great one year, and I want to die clutching a state of the art notebook! You bet there's a lot of projects (personal and work) this coming intensive one year!

Second is I have been uploading photos on my album at this website. I have uploaded a total of 366 photos by today. More to come of photos from my visits to other countries before cancer (BC). I will have to scan my photos from my pre-digital camera days. For my digital camera days, most of the photos are in my Dell desktop which I have donated to CETDEM. Hopefully Mr Gurmit is able to retrieve all those photos.

Chemo Cycle 2

2006-04-10T15:05:00.000+08:00

The 3 chemo I had on 29,30 and 31 March were uneventful. My chemo is just Etoposide and it did not combine with the platinum-based chemo. The doctors deemed that I am not that tolerant on platinum-based chemo so it's just Etoposide for now.

On the 30th March, after my chemo, Dr Kana said he wants to give me a tour of a 12-million state-of-the-art radiotherapy machine. What he did was to lead me to the NCI cafe for my surprise birthday party. The photos of this party is at flicker.com. :)

Thanks to Sharon & Eunice who I reckon are the main organisers of the party, and everyone at NCI for the kind gesture :)

I stayed on till 6 March 2006 for precaution and because my sis will be away till then. I managed to catch up with my reading. I have tonnes of books which I haven't read and this cancer gave me lots of time to read my book collection!

Thanks to Mrs McCoy and Elsa for the post-birthday lunch they brought. Kian Foh who feeds my brain with magazines and, at my request, my stomach with junk food...haha. Thanks also to Ah Tze and wife who came to visit me again. And the surprise visit by Heng my fellow non-practising horticulturist. And of course to my mom and sis, niece and Ah Liaw our family friend.

Photos

2006-04-07T11:10:00.000+08:00

Phew!!! I have spent like 3 hours preparing and uploading photos of my birthday party at NCI onto this website. No text blogs today...gotta rest!

Some of you may have received invitation from me to view the photos. For those who are interested, lemme know and I will send u an invitation too :)

Balik Kampung

2006-04-06T13:02:00.000+08:00

Back home! Blog more tomorrow... :)

Keep well and happy...till I am back beside you ;)

2006-03-27T13:56:00.000+08:00

Before this blog goes on leave tomorrow for a week, I would like to leave you with some extracts from 2 books I have been reading. I will elaborate more in a later blog. But for now, I leave these paragraphs from the books for you. I hope you mull it over....

Unweaving the Rainbow by Richard Dawkins (pg. 1):

We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.

The Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson (pg. 17):

Welcome. And congratulations. I am delighted that you could make it. Getting here wasn't easy. I know. In fact, I suspect it was a little toughter than you realize.

To begin with, for you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and curiously obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that i has never been tried before and will only exist this once. For the next many years (we hope) these tiny particles will uncomplainingly engage in all the billions of deft, co-operative efforts necessary to keep you intact and let you experience the supremely agreeable but generally under appreciated state known as existence.

So I take leave now. Hope to see you again. So dearies, keep well and happy, y'hear! :)

Stream of Joy

2006-03-27T10:01:00.000+08:00

Last weekend saw a stream of very interesting visitors.

Bro Lim my spiritual adviser brought a Japanese spiritual master to see me. Master Tadashi, Lim and I shared my experiences. He said he came to learn from me. What an honour :)

He also said that while I was talking he sent energy to me, and saw my astral self rises above the bed. Wah! I told my mom about this and she thought I was really physically elevated...haha

Søren and Gayathry came next. Søren was my colleague in one of DANIDA's project. We talked about old times and the carbon market. Gayathry is the editor-in-chief of a new radio station called Radiqradio . She asked if I am interested to some radio broadcast.

Sounds interesting. Maybe there can be a hourly "inspirational moment" airtime with me! Søren suggested a reading of my blog. And of course they brought more joy with their chocolate gift which I have been thinking of the whole week...hahaha

And my gang of ACS schoolmates came too; Cheah, Fong and John. Also came to check me out are my cousins Ah Tee (Tze) and wife, and Ah Sze. Friends Yii Tan and Leng Eng came on Sunday.

Thanks, friends and family. You made my weekend. :)

I take this opportunity also to thank friends and relatives who dropped by when I was in NCI a few weeks ago. Kian Foh, Soon, Sally, Kiyau Loo, Mr. Gurmit, Siew, Charles and wife, Ah Tee and family. The Astro crew which was doing a feature at NCI as part of my programme dropped by to jenguk jenguk.

Mrs McCoy who brought me lunch when the canteen was closed, and also her flowers which brighthened my room until I checked out after a week. And those who sms and called. Many many thanks, people!

My way

2006-03-27T09:53:00.000+08:00

A few weeks ago, while consulting with Dr Kana, he expressed his concern about me blogging about my own funeral services. I said I am not at that end stage yet. Well, I told him I am treating it as part of life preparation, not that I have given up.

During my previous NCI stay, I have playing around with my own obituary. I have seen the usual obituaries in the papers and obviously they were drafted by their surviving relatives. I want mine to be done my way!

So today I have completed my first draft and its with my sister now. It reflects my personality and it will be playful. I hope The Star paper do not have any editorial restrictions on cheerful obituaries...haha

The State of the Union

2006-03-24T14:37:00.000+08:00

My physical condition is improving.

I can now take bath on my own without breathlessness. Able to walk short distance but legs still weak and need rest on bed after some effort, but compared to my immobility 2 weeks ago, I got no complaints.

Appetite is ferocious. I eat anything and everything and in actually food occupies my mind most of the time...haha

But I know the steroid is masking lots of symptoms but I am tapering off it. And with the tapering off, my sleeping pattern is also returning to normal. Normal that is for me; I retire to bed by 7pm, wake up around midnight, and sleep again till early morning. Fine with me where early on the steroid regime I had insomnia for the whole night.

Babies galore

2006-03-24T14:31:00.000+08:00

A few nights ago I had a weird dream. I dreamt that my mom had placed babies of relatives on my bed while I was sleeping. I thought she might thinking that I would enjoy having babies to play with!

I woke up with first one baby wringling on my bed, then two, then three...at first I kind of enjoyed the soft sweet smelling cooing gurgling babies...then the number of babies began to increase and my bed is full of babies!!!

I called out to my mom to remove the babies and that's when I was jolted from dreamland. My mom came running wondering what am I shouting about removing babies, and we had a good chuckle :)

Yum

2006-03-23T08:20:00.000+08:00

One of my favourite food is the plain simple humble hard boiled eggs.

Eat it on its own is best. The combination of soft smooth egg yolk and the fluffy yolk is a sensation to be savoured. Bite into it, and feel the smooth breakaway of the egg white, and later as your teeth sink deeper, relish the crumbling of the yolk as it mixes with the egg white.

Eat with kicap and that hint of saltiness is just exquisite.

Or eat it with nasi lemak's sambal. I am "save-the-best-for-last" type of eater. So I will finish everything on the plate and save the hard boiled egg and a dollop of sambal till the last. At the very last triumphant moment, I put that precious dollop of sambal on the egg and eat it.

yumyumyum!!!

Carpe Diem!!!

2006-03-22T11:24:00.000+08:00

I have made daily aspirations when I wake up in the morning. I shout a hearty Good Morning, Everyone; directed to all the cells in my body. Healthy cells and cancer cells.

I must emphasise again and again I have no fight with my cancer cells; they are my cells which gone unhealthy. They are part of me; I don't want to fight them. They need nurturing and care. There is no war, there is no battle raging in my body. There is only compassion and loving kindness.

So I say a Very Good Morning to them.

I continue:

May the healthy cells continue to be healthy. May the cancerours cells be taken away to a better existence. I know the chemotherapy is now looking for you. I really don't want to hurt you, but by the very act of your removal you gain a more peaceful existence, I wish you well.

I know the chemo is also hurting my healthy cells, let it be, but be gentler with them as much as you can. I wish them speedy recovery and minimal damage from the chemo.

Today is another sweet bonus day. Every day of existence I cherish. It is a chance to make the world a better place; no matter how little it seems, I want to end the day with the satisfaction that I left the world a better place than the morning.

I have so many opportunities to do good, even though I can't go out from the house.

The first place to begin is of course my own body and mind. I wish my body to be well and happy; let the healthy and cancer cells be equally blessed. May they be well and happy. And let the chemo to do it's job.

I strive to improve my mind and my responses and interpretation of events happening to me. I choose to respond in a manner I decide. Let my body be wrecked but let my mind be strong.

Next is my relation with my mom, sister, family and friends. I can still make improvement in the way I touch their lives, and them mine. I can still improve on bringing joy and gladness to their lives if they let me. I have the power, I have the desire and I want to.

I am blessed that I can still influence events beyond my physical sphere. I can still influence my favourite issues such as climate change and global warming. I can still write and influence events relating to these my favourite issues. I am still officially a consultant to one project and am still welcome to influence in the work of my other associates. Thank you.

My mind is where my universe is. I strive to learn to improve my mind thru reading, thinking so that I can think of ideas and ways to improve myself and spheres of my influence.

Allow me not just to take up space on this earth. Let me make a difference because I can and want to.

Even though I can't be physically be there, but my ideas can still reach out.

I will strive to improve this mind; continuous learning and appreciating this current phase of my life, and savouring each bonus moment.

Let this day be a better day. Let each day be improved because I am in it. Let each day ends with me saying: Thank you, everyone. Today I improved the world, because I have improved.

Thank you.

Let's enjoy today. Let's look forward to tomorrow; another blessed sweet bonus day.

Carpe Diem!!!

Birthday Chemo

2006-03-18T16:10:00.000+08:00

My next round of chemo will start on 28 March if my blood count is ok. I want to stay for a week in NCI lest there are anymore complications.

That means I will spend my birthday on the 30 March in NCI. I have told my sister that there should be no visiting or celebration because that would be critical period for my immune system.

Anyway, I have already planned for my first ever birthday gift which I will give to myself...haha :)

It will also be the first anniversary of this blog which started on 30 March 2005.

So people, I take leave from this blog for a week starting 28 March 2006.

Chemotherapy in action

2006-03-18T16:01:00.000+08:00

At first, I thought the 3 rounds of chemo are all there is to it. I thought the chemo goes in, does it job and leave immediately. Oh hoh...not so!

The chemo entered is still in my system now. They are still actively mopping up both the cancer cells AND the healthy cells, like any other carpet bombing operation would do. The only thing is the healthy cells will recover while the cancer cells will depart to a better place, hopefully where they don't suffer anymore...

So the doctors warned me about coming reduction of my immune capacity; I may be more susceptible to infection, ulcers in mouth, easy bruises on skin, more tired and more of side effects. I am ready. I prefer to think of them as "may" rather than "will".

I was told I will be "clean" after at least 3 months after the final 3rd round of chemo. That's how long the chemo chemical will reside in my body...

Worth the price...

2006-03-18T15:44:00.000+08:00

I have blogged about this in December 2005.

It's about my rage. Selective rage.

Outside my immediate family, I am known as the ultimate nice guy, hej, people tell me. I am amiable and eager to please. I am a natural diplomat. I never forget the time when a former UN colleague said I am the perfect UN guy.

But in some dark recesses in my mind, there is a ever ready fiery burning magma raging to burst forth. And the target of my rage is my immediate family; mom and sister. Somehow, is it because I know they will love no matter what, my temper is uncontrolable? Not that there is any physical violence, but verbal outbursts that are rude and crude.

I tried..oh hell I tried to control..but somehow the path of habit runs too deep to be diverted. Can't seem to rein it in. It causes me deep distress and pain after the rages subsided, and I always find I could have responded in another way, a gentler way, a way that naturally happen with others, but there seems to be a more powerful Mr Hyde in me when I am with my family.

Then I had cancer...

I am glad to say I have become more mellow. If before I want things to be done my way, I have learnt to let go. Let it be. Let it flow. Leave it. Most of all I can see it coming and have been more alert to let it be. Let it pass.

The past week's hospital stay also gave me pause and reflect on the lessons I have learnt this past year, and how I should be moving forward from now.

If cancer didn't come, I don't think I will be able to reach this self aware stage. I am sure I would become more brash and crude because I was confident that my consultancy practices would have been at its height in 2005. My early 2005 diary was filled with overseas engagements with vast opportunities.

If cancer is the price I have pay so that my mom and sister sees another side of me, believe or not...I say it's worth it. If I die now, I will be so glad they are able to see the final image of me as someone in control of his temper. Someone who is calm and capable of controlling himself. Someone at peace with himself.

Flitting Angels caring for me...

2006-03-18T15:22:00.000+08:00

I believe that you have to hire right the first time. No point having to train someone if the heart is not in the right place. I have seen square pegs in round holes being "trained". Training is to enhance what is already there and not to transplant what were not available and never will.

Why this observation?

NCI Cancer Hospital has struck the right formula in hiring staffers who seemed to gel into a team that genuinely cares for cancer patients with their special needs. It comes from the heart and that can't be faked.

During my stay, I was given the best care with the most tender touch. I kind of missed that now that I am home...haha. From the doctors to the janitors, the people were exceptionally emphathatic and concerned.

I want to thank all the nurses who were ever ready to rush to my aid whenever I rang the nurses' bell. They talked with me, joked and generally had a good time during my care. I felt like I was being cared for like a family member especially when they mixed meticulously the Enercal drink to the precise specs I have given them!

I told Dr Kana about this and he said maybe they knew I am THE blogger who reports on everything; so everyone is on alert & extra nice around me...hahaha ;)

Anyway, I hope they continue to have staffers who have the perfect fit in the things they do.

Thanks again. Salam Mesra!

12 March 2005

2006-03-18T15:10:00.000+08:00

Tests confirmed cancer cells in the pericardium effusion on 3rd March 2005. But only after a biopsis on a nodule in my right lung, my official diagnosis was dated 12 March 2005. So I am still alive and kicking after that official one year; barely after that Thursday! I made it past the one year.

Let me quote from the fact sheet of the American Lung Cancer Association:
About 6 out of 10 people with lung cancer die within 1 year of being diagnosed with the disease. Between 7 and 8 will die within 2 years. The expected 5-year survival rate for all patients in whom lung cancer is diagnosed is 15 percent compared to 63 percent for colon, 88 percent for breast and 99 percent for prostate cancer.

The 5-year survival rate is 49 percent for cases detected when the disease is still localised. However, only 16 percent of lung cancer cases are diagnosed at an early stage. For metasized tumors like mine the 5-year survival rate is just over 2 percent.

I can only say everyday is a sweet sweet sweet Bonus Day!

Post-Friday 10 March

2006-03-18T14:38:00.000+08:00

...continues...

I made slow painful recovery after admission in NCI. But recover I did. It was difficult at first; immobilised with a IV drip on my right hand and oxygen mask. A few days after, the oxygen is off and so has the drip.

The mere act of sitting upright gives some pause as I tried to maneuver to a position that is the least painful and breathless-inducing. Usually the automated bed and the nurses will help me. After sitting upright, I became lethargic & breathless with pain at the back of my neck, and had to wait for awhile before attempting to get out of bed to walk. I walked at the balcony to soak up the sun which I hadn't seen for a few months. My skin and sun met for the first time after a loooog time....

I still depend on the nurses of the urinal. Had bowel movement on the bed which I don't think anyone likes! I tried to go to the toilet to do my open my bowels rather than doing in on a commode pot on the bed. I was shy of having the nurses wipe my ass... :P

I didn't know when I can be back home. But day by day I did become stronger. I had good appetite and the NCI's cafe chefs were ever obliging in preparing the food I want. I ate and ate and broke all the earlier self-imposed food taboos; meat, fat, sugar-laden food...I just poured them in. I am just 39 kg and if the cancer cells loved those food, so be it.

I just let the food flow in and I supplemented them with specialised liquid nutrition like Enercal Plus and Pulmocare. So I had constant discussion, sms and phone calls with the cafe's boss to discuss the day's meals and he really tried his best to accomodate. Terima Kasih, En. Nasir.

So decide to stay on till Friday 17 March. There are several reasons for this. First is it is best I recover enough to go home in case breathlessness comes back; 2nd I loved the service by NCI staffers, 3rd is I don't want to burden my mom if I were to go home in a very dependent stage. Whatever financial costs incurred are very well worth it. I like the 5-star treatment most of the time because I was usually the only stay-in patient! :)

So Friday 17 March came. I was strong enough to take a shower on my own! What a triumph compared to the week before! I was also not breathless! I was so proud of myself.

Breathless

2006-03-18T11:02:00.000+08:00

9 Mar Thursday afternoon
Went to the bathroom, came back to bed with growing breathelessness. Called Dr Selva to report. NCI tried to arrange ambulance, but ambulance can only come an hour later. Tried to arrange in Seremban.

A series of errors and misjudgements ended us up with the ambulance of the Seremban General Hospital. I wanted to go directly to NCI but the ambulance had to send me to the Seremban GH for admission before they can transfer me to NCI.

Admitted to Sban GH. Doctors tried to stabilise me. OK. Breathlessness subsided. Tried to get independent ambulances to send me directly to NCI but not one ambulance was available. I really don't like the idea of spending a night admitted to the 3rd class ward of a public hospital. I have taken care of my dad several times in this ward and it is not a cheerful place at all...

9 Mar Thursday night
After spending sometime at the emergency centre, they wheeled me into the 3rd ward; citing that this is procedure; I had to be admitted before they can transfer me. And there is no independent ambulance available. I was thinking I should have waited for the NCI one-hour wait for ambulance or just hop into our own car.

Anyway, was admitted into the 3rd class ward. That's another blog by itself.

9 Mar Thursday night and 10 Mar Friday early morning
Doctors came, took tests, diagnoses me. The senior medical officer said he can't transfer me at my current condition; breathless, low oxygen in blood, low blood pressure & generally all system not stable. He has an ethical responsibility to stabilise me before handing me over to NCI. So I have to stay overnight. I thought that's very noble, but heck I want to be in NCI now!!!

Thru the night I had several episode of horrid breathlessness. You better believe when people say u can go without food or drinks for several days, but without air for mere seconds???? I felt like there is a concrete wall blocking my access to air. Some invisible hand pressing on my nostrils.

It was so bad that at one time I looked out the window of the 7th floor ward and contemplated jumping to end this misery.

The breathelessness came and go periodically. Can't fully describe the desperate situation.

Doctors came. They wanted to do more tests and one x-ray. I said NO!!! what's the point. we all know what I am having. All my records are with NCI anyway. Doctors were sympathetic and promised I will be transferred as soon as my condition stabilises.

10 Mar Friday morning
Daybreak came. I greet the morning with relief. Oh, let me out of here! I want to go to NCI!! They are waiting for me!!!

The doctor said I am ready to go. He made calls to NCI. Can't seem to reach them. They need NCI firm consent to transfer me before they can arrange for an ambulance. A doctor I know when when I was first diagnosed with cancer at the Sban GH came to my aid. He uses his own handphone to try make contact with NCI doctors.

10 Mar Friday noon
Finally,contact made between NCI and GH! Ambulance arranged. Wheeled out past noon.

10 Mar Friday afternoon
Reached NCI around 3pm. Dr Selva was waiting. Wheeled into ward. Dr Kana and Dr Ben were there. Battery of tests and relieve methods was administered. Not sure what are causing the breathlessness. On oxygen mask and drip. A flurry of activities in my room.

Dr Selva advised my sister to prepare for any eventualities...

One by one possible causes eliminated. I am so glad it was not pericardium effusion. Finally Dr Selva conceded it could be a series of causes building on each other. The chemo may have loosen some tumours and causing them to float in my lungs with periodic breathelessness. And my earlier instability has also weaken me...

10 Mar Friday evening
Situation stabilises. I didnt had a drink or food since Thursday afternoon. Lips felt dry like farmland in drought; dry, sharp, cracking and flaking.

...to be continued...

Jangan betulkan TV anda

2006-03-17T17:49:00.000+08:00

I am back. Will blog more tomorrow. Need rest now.
Thanks to all who had me in their thoughts...

Siaran Tergendala

2006-03-14T10:02:00.000+08:00

I was hospitalized since last Thursday due to my breathlessness. That explains my silence recently. However, I'm glad to say that I'm recuperating well in NCI hospital. Sure hope I can get back in action as soon as possible :)

Meanwhile, may you be well and happy!

(This message is published with the help of my blog custodian as I have no access to the internet right now)

Mrs. Superman is dead

2006-03-09T08:46:00.000+08:00

Dana Reeve, the wife of Christopher Reeve the actor of Superman movies, passed away yesterday from lung cancer. She was diagnosed with the cancer last August which is just 10 months after her husband passed away from his paralysis.

Many alternative medicine practioners cautioned that lung cancer arises from negative emotions especially stress. I can imagine the stress Dana went thru her care for her husband.

Their struggle to cope with Christopher's paralysis and setting up a foundation to address his paralysis is a heroic one.

May they be well and happy now whenever they are now.

...ultimately...

2006-03-09T08:24:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I blogged about my chemo sessions and how I did not suffer any side effects so far. But the ultimate test of a therapy's success is not how well you escaped from its side effects, but whether you have benefited from the full effects!

So how did I respond to the chemo? Did my breathelessness abated? Any pain subsided?

The jury is still out, I say. Last evening I was able to go to the bathroom with only slight breathelessness, but not this morning; breathelessness is still discernible. Pain and weakness on my legs is still there; probably because of the long immobility.

I also did not sleep well last night; most probably because of the steroid I have to take. Steroids usually have that effect on me.

Comments enabled

2006-03-08T18:13:00.000+08:00

You may have noticed I have enabled the comments function for my blog. This means anyone can add comments to the blogs.

I have disabled this function early in my blogging "career" when someone signing off as "kingscout" left some nasty comments about me when I mentioned that I didn't appreciate enough my mom and sister.

I have an inkling of who this "kingscout" is because there are not many of the people I know who would thought of this signature.

No matter. I have gone thru enough to be bothered with some imprudent comments. So please leave your comments. I will moderate lightly, only if the comments are immensely disturbing. Otherwise, leave your comments at will.. :)

A stroll in the park...with shoes off...

2006-03-08T17:35:00.000+08:00

Monday 6 March
The first day of my chemo sessions. Two combination; Etoposide and Cisplatin. Cisplatin need lots of saline intraveneously (IV). This is to flush out the cisplatin when it is administered and before. So lots saline were IVed, I think 3 litres. The doctors expected me to extract all these fluid with urination but it didnt happen. I also did not take this "extraction" seriously.

Then it happened.

I suffered mega breathlessness after a slight exertion from my bed. The doctors scrambled to get me to urinate to relieve the fluid's pressure on my lungs and heart; which they say is the cause of my breathlessness. They were cool and were confident that my breathlessness will go away. I was panicky and wondered how long this choking breathlessness will go away.

I started to urinate and indeed the breathlessness tapered off. The extra fluid were putting a pressure on my lungs and heart. I was also on oxygen and nebulizzer to relieve the congestion. After a torturous 1 hour my breathing resumed to normal.

The doctors decided there will be a change in plans for that day. I will only get the Etoposide chemo and not Cisplatin.

After given 3 injections to ameliorate side effects of chemo such as nausea. The Etoposide were injected and started to course thru my body around 6pm. It went well. In the end I did not get any of the sideeffects I was afraid off.

Slept with some minor coughing bouts.

Tuesday 7 March
Woke up with rashes on my back after sleeping with a wet shirt. I was put on some lighted heating device to relieve the rashes. The doctors decided to give me also only Etoposide for today and decide on the other combination later. Most probably they will take Cisplatin off, and give be Carboplatin which does not need saline flushing. But for today only Etoposide. Again I took it well. No problem, hardly noticed the 2 hours passing.

Wednesday 8 March
Woke up again with rashes again. Slight pain on the skin, again put on the heating device. Today I am put on Etoposide and Carboplatin. Again, no problem. Smooth sailing.

This is it. A summary of my short chemo adventure. A stroll in the park actually, but with the shoes off so I have to look out for some possible mishaps, just like strolling in a park barefooted with the probable encounter with jagged stones or dog poo...haha ;)

The doctors prescribed my with steroid and anti nausea pills for use when I am home. Will see Dr Kana this Friday to see how I am coping. Next sessions will be in 3 weeks time the same with 3 injections of 3 days each, followed by a final session 3 weeks after the 2nd one.

Again, I thank all who have emailed and contacted with words of encourement! Tomorrow I will blog more with deeper insights.

Bye, see you.

Spiritual Solace

2006-03-05T12:44:00.000+08:00

Yesterday morning friends from MBCS came to finalise my funeral arrangments. We also had a short puja session. I have decided on a sea scattering ceremony for my ashes. I have abandoned the wild idea of putting it under a tree or flower pot because it may be too morbid for my family. :)

Today Bro. Lim to pass me a book on Amitabha Buddha, and we discuss in length about it. He left me with the advise to let go during the chemo session.

Mishap

2006-03-05T11:20:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I had horrid mishap. In the afternoon my mom has prepared a herbal tea for me. I was did not take it immediately but was resting. The herb turned out to be icy cold when I tried to take it. Although I should have asked my mom to re-heat it, I thought it should be ok and do not want to inconvenience her.

I threw up immediately after drinking the herb. I threw up both my lunch plus the herb. What followed was worse; it seems like someone was tickling & teasing my throat. For a few hours after that, I was having wrecking dry cough that seems to tear my throat apart. It just went on and on. The cough aggravated the pain I already had at lower right abdomen and lower right back. Can't talk because of it causes my throat to itch and cough. This marathon coughing left me so very exhausted.

My sister was away so she asked one of her best friend to come & look after me. Mariam is a staff nurse and she came to comfort me.

The coughing subsided after like 5-6 hours.

As in May, I discovered the soothing human touch. Mariam and my mom held my hands this gesture brings great comfort. Of course, the cancer voodoo notion comes and I told them I don't want to live like this. I am just being a little bit of manja there...haha. Anyway, I kept reminding myself that this is just cough, bad as it is.

One level

2006-03-02T16:12:00.000+08:00

While staggering from my attached bathroom, I realised how lucky I am to be able to live in a single storey house with level floor. Blessings that my uncle decided to purchase this house in late 2004.

The most ubiquituos form of housing in Malaysia are double storey terrace houses. The living area and kitchen are downstairs, together with a tiny room which acts as the storeroom or servant's room. The proper bedrooms are upstairs. Quite a neat arrangement where the private quarters are upstairs separated from the somewhat public area downstairs.

In our previous double storey family house, it is only when my grandma and father were ill do we realise this is an arrangement-from-hell for a family with frail family members who have no strength to climb stairs. So luckily we are able to move them to my sister's house which has 2 rooms downstairs, and managed to modify another room for the frail.

I have seen people who had stroke or paralysed living in these double storey houses, and what an unpleasant arrangement. Worse if the floor area are raised to separate the dining and living areas for aesthetic reasons. This is unnoticable or even welcomed by the healthy but for the ailing & their caretakers, it's a major obstacle course.

Single storey houses would be in great demand when the Malaysian population ages and the current up-and-coming or even middle age generations realise that their knee joints may not be able to propel them up to their bedrooms...

Overgrown baby

2006-03-02T16:04:00.000+08:00

The breathelessness has grown so bad I could not bath on my own without panting at the end of it. So here I am, a grown man of nearly 40, had to be bathed by my mom. Uh-huh, definitely not a pretty sight! I told my mom what ironic; at an age when I should be pampering her, she is the one who has to take care of me...again; my very basic needs; bathing, washing even powdering!

Ya, when my dad passed away last February after a long lingering illness of which the primary caretakers were my mom and sister, I told my mom and sis that year (2005) I will send them for holidays and to enjoy the good times. We all know how the year 2005 turned out to be...

Thank you

2006-03-01T16:22:00.000+08:00

Thanks to friends who emailed and contacted me in support of my coming adventure with chemo. I shall carry your good wishes in my heart. Thank you.

Fast Forward

2006-03-01T15:55:00.000+08:00

I have decided to move my chemo session to next Monday 6 March rather than next Thursday. I am tired of the immobility due to the breathlessness.

These few days I have been trying to do one thing; preparing for the chemo. This includes taking Cacare's chemo tea which claims to ameliorate the effects of chemo. A friend told me about the ease his late father who took the tea handled chemo.

I have also been trying to eat right and add some bulk to my body. I am only 39kg now; a real featherweight.

Other than that, the bed is again the centre of my universe as it was in May 2005. The breathlessness is really debilitating; a mere few paces to bathroom renders me breathless and panting. Can't even walk outside before feeling like I have ran up a mountain with a wild boar chasing after me!

Getting up from the bed is also a chore because of the ache at the neck. I have to think to how best place my body and head to pull up with minimum pain and effort. A surprise is a new weakness appeared on my left hand; there are days when I can't lift that hand up beyond shoulder level.

I have a new "ripple" mattress which is supposed to prevent bed sores. My tailbone down the spine are just skin and bones, and the skin is beginning to get abrasive because of my extensive lying around.

Other than that, I am fine...haha! :)

So be it

2006-02-23T14:46:00.000+08:00

Had a CT scan at NCI today. The results showed the tumour increasing in both lungs, more so in the left. Nearly 2/3 are solid tumours while 1/3 are fluid. Bad, but hardly surprising because the physical evidence; breathlessness and lethargy have been increasing.

Dr Selva and Dr Kana laid out the option; chemotherapy. It's not really an option actually. Both doctors said the time has come to do chemo. I asked how long would I suffer before I die if I choose not to do it? Dr Kana said I won't die immediately but will suffer immensely with more invasive procedures to relieve the symptoms.

He mentioned that a successful response to chemo would prolong my life for a year or more. I didn't say it out then but was thinking if it's another year like last year, it is not an attractive proposition!

You all know the fear I had of chemo, the sideeffects and stuff. Dr Selva told me the possible side effects but he said no patients had died on him or Dr Kana because of their chemo presciption. And for me, it's been a long time since I first read about and fear chemo.

I just agreed that ok, let's do it. I said that I have tried so many things; radiotherapy, surgery, herbs, supplement, diet and many others, that guess it's time to try chemo. I will just let go. What ever will be will be. In a talk given by Chief Reverend Dr K Sri Dhammananda, he said that when asked by his oncologist did he has any side effects from chemo, he replied that he only had the full effects! Que sera sera.

So on the 9 March I will be admitted to NCI, stay overnight because the chemo will be administered for 24 hours, discharge next day and come back the next day for the third cycle.

One Goal

2006-02-19T18:34:00.000+08:00

After friends from MBCS left, Lim came. I have blogged extensively about Lim in my May blogs. Those were really confusing and challenging times for me and Lim was like my spiritual guide. His calmness and frequent visits to share what he knew and even what he recently found out gave me great solace and food for thought. I addressed him as Brother Lim as he is like a spiritual brother to me.

Today, he brought me a blue plastic sheet with Tibetan inscription of a mantra of the Medicine Buddha. He happened to meet a Tibetan monk, and requested him to inscribe two pieces of mantra; one for him and one for me. I am touched by Lim's thoughtfulness. The inscription is supposed to protect our health especially from harmful effects of electromagnetic field.

We also discussed about my current situation and state of mind. I told him about my apparent feeling of conflict about letting go, preparing for funeral and the gung-ho objective of triumphantly healing from the cancer. I admitted that it is not easy to balance this two.

Yes, I mentioned in a blog yesterday that I want to prepare to die so that my mind will be at ease to give 100% to heal. But is it really so? Will my energy be dissipated between this two and in the end neither would have satisfactory outcome?

There is an element of egoism and pride in wanting to heal. I don't want my friends to think I am giving up. I also want to be an example to others that even such an advanced cancer case like me can heal. I want to be a hero.

And I must admit, I still think of staying on this life because of the good stuff I have yet to savour and also to "re-enjoy" the things I love and used to love in this moment of time in this body. There are also the thoughts of the potential I can achieve if I were to heal and stay on and do the things that I am good at I (or so I thought). That's craving and clinging to this world.

Lim left me with some thoughts.

- Why think of letting go as giving up? Think of it as preparing to go to the next phase in your life. Concentrate on that. Maybe what you are destined to be or do in the re-birth is more useful and may be more needed & appreciated by even more beings. Focus on being at peace and to let go.

- Trying to divide between letting go and striving to repair the currently wrecked body may be too taxing. Just let go, if your time is to go now, you will go no matter what you or your doctors do, so go in peace, the stress of the struggle just robs whatever enjoyment you have left; if your time is not up yet, you will heal anyway.

Food for thoughts indeed. I think one grand Goal may be the route instead of trying to be many things to other people.

Now what is the One Goal I will have?

Saying Goodbye with a Smile

2006-02-19T17:50:00.000+08:00

Today, friends from the Malaysian Buddhist Co-operative Society Limited paid a visit to me. Tee Eng Kau my UPM alumni is an active member of MBCS who lead the rest to my home. Among the services MBCS provides are funeral assistance, birthday blessings, wedding services and other services that are designed to follow the Buddha's teachings.

We focussed on funeral services; as its booklet says; A Proper Buddhist Funeral. I am particularly interested in its promise to make it "solemn and dignified". Details are on their website.

I am very happy with the modus operandi of the funeral services, which will have rites in accordance to Buddha's teachings. It is up to me now to decide on the details of their package options such as number of days, ways to manage the body, chanting and a few other details.

I want my funeral service to be educational. Many of my friends especially those who professes to be Buddhist may not have attended a proper Buddhist funeral. What we usually see are Taoist ceremonies with lots of weird rituals; I remember participating in a Taoist funeral ritual where I had to jump over fires and run around in circles so that the deceased can have access to the Afterworld.

Anyway, that is one the variation of the numerous Taoist rituals and I have no complaints for those who prefer that way. Even some purported Buddhist ceremonies were mixed with Taoist and even Feng Shui principles. But if it brings comfort to the mourners, so be it I think.

The MBCS friends introduced me to a calm, solemn and dignified world of Buddhist funeral. I am excited to make my funeral as an introduction to what a Buddhist funeral can be; with Buddhist hymn singing, Dhamma talk and even an eulogy which I have never encountered in a Buddhist or Chinese funeral.

Another major decision is what to do with my remains. I know I want to be cremated. I would like my ashes to be in a columbarium but I heard the cost is prohibitive. I need to check this out. Other alternatives includes scattering the ashes onto the sea which is one option of the MBCS services. I am thinking if it is ok to just scatter them into a flower pot or base of a tree. Hej, that's the environmentalist and horticulturist in me thinking!!!

There will also be a booth to distribute Dhamma books and CDs. In my obituary I will ask people to refrain from getting funeral wreath or flowers. Better to contribute the money to a donation box for reprinting of Buddhist booklets and CDs.

As a sideline, I was even thinking of asking my family to play the CDs with the music I liked when there is no official ritual ceremony; music like jazz, blues, oldies, pop, music CDs from many countries which have I collected in my travels. I am thinking of including Trance music, but that may be too much...hahaha! ;)

There are quite a number of stuff that I need to decide. I will collect my thoughts and put them all down in writing. I will share them with you when I am done.

Wow...preparing to die ain't easy!

All bases covered

2006-02-17T19:16:00.000+08:00

My latest blogs about preparing for death brought lots of reactions and emails from readers. Thank you very much for your concern. I do share your anxiety.

I have to reconcile between being an optimist and "know" that I will pull thru in the end, and seemingly giving up and to be preparing for my death.

I have blogged about attending the London Olympics in the year 2012 here, here, and here. How can I be so confident about that while preparing for death?

Personally I am also afraid that all these preparation will distract me from the 100% effort to heal myself. Will all these death business chip away whatever confidence I have? Shouldn't I be gung-ho and confident of the end result come what may? I have to admit that I am not 100% confident.

But I guess that is natural, but at the same time I don't want to nor do I fear death. As my blogs on 11 Nov 2005 shows, death is but a unfairly neglected part of life. I want embrace birth, living and death as part of the continuum. I will try my best to learn and extract whatever from this ailment, share them with you, and if I succeed in my effort, that would be a great triumph for me and other cancer patients who think their particular life here and now is too good to end just yet.

If I die because of cancer, well, at least I go with peace, and not clinging and suffering for what I think I will miss in this life. As someone who believes in the main tenets of Buddha's message; this life is but one. And London Olympics 2012 is 6 years away; if I die now and be reborn into something/someone else, I may still be in time to savour the London Olympics, but maybe in another form or person! haha :)

But we all die eventually; either from a long slow painful lingering death or sudden split-second fatality. Preparing for death is, I believe eases the mind from an inevitable fact of life. And think of the angst of your family if they are not physically, financially and mentally prepared for your death. Let's do everyone a favour, prepare for death, yet prepare to give your best for living.

Can this be done? I want it to be so.

Openly preparing for death is not giving up, but I am doing my duty as a son, brother, nephew, uncle and friend to prepare you guys for my death. I know it may be hard for many of you, my dear friends, to worry about this latest move, but you will overcome it eventually as you become more familiar with the thought. As I said in this Nov blog , I would like you to gaze upon my supreme serenity as I lay there in the casket, you can't help but smile when you recall our times together! :)

So here it is:
I am able to give my 100% best to heal simply because I have already removed a major worry.

Making a list...

2006-02-17T10:06:00.000+08:00

Although I tried to prepare my family for any eventualities, I have not written them down. Thus far I have just told my immediate family what are my final wishes. Today I started to prepare the list. Where to find legal documents, who to call and how I would like my funeral to look like.

Macabre? not for me; I am taking this in stride. If you remember, in my series of blogs about death on Friday November 11, I am ready for that. That series of blogs are my favourite and am very proud of them.

In fact, everyone should make a list. We want our family and friends to mourn (or rejoice!) in our death in comfort and peace! haha! Preparing to die a good death is striving to live the good life indeed!

OK, so I will making a list, checking it twice, but I won't try to find out who's naughty or nice. That is Santa Claus's job ;)

Some of you may receive the list to ensure that you are ok if my sister contact you when the time comes. Your task would most probably to spread the news to our mutual friends that I have gone to the next phase; in other words; I am dead.

New blog custodian

2006-02-17T09:59:00.000+08:00

In May, two of my friends have graciously agreed to be my blog's custodian. They will post the news that I am no longer able to blog, or has passed away. I blogged about that here.

Today I have asked another friend to take over; Mr Kua Theng Hong. One reason is he has his own Google blog so would be more familiar with the settings. His own blog is here.

I thank the two friends who have acted as custodian for nearly a year; Ms Jarina Jani and Mr Lee Kian Foh. And thank you to Kua for agreeing to be the new custodian.

Blessed mosquitoes

2006-02-17T09:53:00.000+08:00

One good thing that came up from this episode of pain is this is a blessing for mosquitoes. Although my room is supposed to be " mosquito-proofed" but one or two enterprising ones managed to slip thru the mosquito netting by following the opening of doors.

Usually they are easy prey for me. I would whack them with glee. No loving kindness from me.

But with the onset of the abdomen ache, the act of slapping them brings instant pain to my abdomen.So now I just talk nicely to them to go away, or just wave them away in the gentlest possible manner. Sometimes they comply, but hej, they got to eat too!

Just you wait! haha ;)

Gingerly does it

2006-02-17T09:39:00.000+08:00

I approached last night gingerly after the abdomen spasm the night before. Took painkillers in advance and sat in upright position on the bed. The usual ache around the abdomen is still there but tolerable, and a new ache appeared at the right back.

Anyway, managed to sleep soundly and only woke up briefly before midnight and 3am.

I am having a new symptom. For 3 mornings I excreted thick brownish green phlegm with slight traces of blood. Not a good sign definitely, but did not worry; I was thinking...hej, about time! ;)
So far only once the phlegm was excreted in the whole day, and I am not coughing. Let's see how this develop.

Walking now with a walking stick. This is for added stability and to relieve the load on my abdomen muscle. It is amazing how much the abdomen muscle helps in standing and walking upright; would never have noticed it if not for the pain.

Little things

2006-02-16T10:14:00.000+08:00

Again, as I have blogged previously, I was made to appreciate the little things that made our body work. The abdomen cramps revealed to me how much each and every body part synchronise to make our body work and propel ourselves.

Sitting up and getting up is so painful at the stomach wall area; showing how they support our upright movements. Even just walking upright reminds me the contribution of the unnoticed stomach wall.

I am now blogging from my bed; being careful to let the stomach wall rest after the ordeal last night.

Hope tonight would be peaceful!

Aaaaaargh!!!

2006-02-16T10:01:00.000+08:00

If I thought the hip pain was bad, I really didn't expect the pain from the cramps and pulls of the abdomen muscles last night.

I was lying in bed. The pain of the stomach muscles were already there when I pulled them 2 days ago. I thought it would go away fast as with other muscle pain from that area.

But it got worse last night. Very much worse. I was immobilised because any slight movement to get up or turn renders frightfully painful spasms from the area. I can't even straigthen my legs. It was like some monster hands were crudely grabbing and tearing away at my abdomen.

I was in bed for more than 5 hours not knowing what to do. Can't even get up to get take painkillers because I was lying flat.

I screamed when the first cramp or spasm came; because it took me by surprise. There were occasions where no screams could emit from my opened mouth because the pain was so excrutiating. Eventually I managed to suppress my desire to scream so not to stress my mom. Just my eyes wide open with pain and terror. There is nothing she could do and nothing could be worse than to see your loved one in pain and unable to help.

Eventually, I listened to Buddhist Metta chanting and willed to pull myself up. 1-2-3! 1-2-3! 1-2-3! I said loudly as I pulled myself up to upright position on the bed. I moaned long and loud at the end of the effort because the stomach muscles were not happy at this! I was drenched with sweat and stank from the effort.

I took the pain killers & they seem to help a little. Managed to fell asleep in that drenched and stinking situation. Although I managed to wobble to the bathroom for awhile, but I did not clean myself nor change cloth because the stomach cramp was ever ready to pounce at the slightest movement.

Got better in the morning. Able to get up and took a much-appreciated bath to get rid of the stench and stickiness from the mega-effort last night.

Deja vu

2006-02-16T09:49:00.000+08:00

Saw Dr Kana and Dr Selva yesterday. Complained to them about the fragile muscles of my stomach and waist area. They are so prone to muscle pull.

Talked to them about my options. The conclusion is to do a CT scan next Thursday to evaluate my options. My Iressa will run out and I have no intention of continuing due to the cost.

I have always thought the white shadow on my left lung are fluid effusion. The doctors explained it's not necessary so from the x-ray; a CT scan is needed to ascertain how much fluid are there, solid tumours or just collapsed aveolis.

They are reluctant to tap if the fluid are too little (1 0r 2 litres) or as one of the last resort, because of possible complications such as infection. This view is differs from other oncologists of my other fellow lung cancer who seems to do tapping at request. They are worried that a tap may distort the flow and retention of the fluid.

I decided to follow their view and not to insist on tapping. I always thought tapping would relieve my breathlessness but after realising the white show of the x-ray may also be showing solid tumours, I decided to wait for the result of the CT scan.

I recall last May when severe breathlessness hit, and I was brought back from the abyss by Iressa. I am taking Iressa everyday now; I got 10 more pills. Would Iressa work it's magic again?

An Ordinary Joe in his extraordinary world

2006-02-12T10:05:00.000+08:00

The last few days I was quite reluctant to blog; because I am feeling lethargic and in bed most of the time. I really want this blog to be a positive one. My resolve was not as strong as I would like it to be. I wanted to inspire but could I do that when I myself is feeling down.

I always admire those who seem to have steely nerves. They don't appear to get distracted, waver nor weaken in the face of adversity. They lock their gaze on the ultimate objective and move towards it with unbreakable will. Nothing gonna take them down, no sir. Don't we all love to be such person?

But I know myself. I am no enlightened monk that can withstand unlimited suffering. I was never too "spiritual" nor one able to deny myself the pleasure of the senses.

I am one who prefers not to work too hard nor too long to achieve my goals. I am also a sissy to pain. And I am the type who loves to start projects, but ever ready to abandon them when I am bored or just want to start on new projects or girl(s)...hahaha ;)

I am just an Ordinary Joe who unwittingly found himself in an extraordinary life-threatening situation. I am just trying to cope, and hopefully thrive, with it.

Do I sound a bit like you? Are you, like me, the "average" and Ordinary Joe? Would and could someone like us go thru such a healing journey and emerge triumphant?

I realise I must cope with the situation as who I am. If I am an Ordinary Joe, well, that's my starting point.

I am an Ordinary Joe. Not an Indiana Jones, not an Alexander the Great, not a Napoleon.

I am an Ordinary Joe. I may slacken along the way. But this Ordinary Joe must pick and dust himself up more quickly than he had ever done before. I may doubt myself, but this Ordinary Joe will slap himself silly to bring back the confidence.

I am an Ordinary Joe. Coping in an Extraordinary Way; to strive to enjoy this healing journey, so that other Ordinary Joes can.

Long Live the Ordinary Joes (& Janes) !!!

Update 12 Feb 2006

2006-02-12T09:53:00.000+08:00

The past few days saw me very tired and lying in bed mostly of the time. It's the breathlessness and I think the general lethargic feeling is due to the left lung effusion. Sometimes there's pain in my waist, ache in my neck and generally tired.

I may wake up with enthusiasm, all fired-up to walk to the mamak for capati and vadai. But the short walk to the bathroom and morning grooming leave me breathless. Today I tried again, but only managed to walk a quarter of the way before I turned back due to my weak legs and breathlessness.

Today is a relatively good day; ache in the neck and back is subsiding. Only the breathlessness is still a nuisance. I am upbeat today after yesterday's gathering at the McCoys'.

By the seaside

2006-02-12T09:22:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, Datuk Dr Ronald McCoy and wife hosted me and friends to a lunch at their seaside holiday home in Lukut, Port Dickson. Kian Foh, Yoke Mun, Fong, my mom and I were there, with a special guest; Dr Kana my oncologist.

Yesterday and today marked the end of a long series of religious festivals in Malaysia starting from November with Deepavali, Hari Raya Aidil Fitri, Christmas, New Year,Hari Raya Haji, Chinese New Year, Awal Muharam, Thaipusam yesterday and Chap Goh Meh today to mark the end of the 15-day celebration of the 2006 Chinese Lunar New Year. Did I miss any holidays?! :)

Datin McCoy, in her usual astute self, arranged for a Yee Sang appetiser. A pleasant surprise and a delicious one with Kian Foh and Yoke Mun mixing just the right amount sauces for the yee sang. So we had a merry time loh sang beside the sea; bet many of you never loh sang-ed with the sound of seawaves and gentle touch of sea breeze! We then settled down to a Chinese-style lunch.

Thank you to the McCoys for being ever such thoughtful and gracious hosts, to my friends who made time to join us, and the housekeepers Mr. & Mrs. Segaran who will upkeep the place for the next visit!

The Squeeze and Pinch tests

2006-02-12T09:11:00.000+08:00

I uses the Squeeze test to check the status of my right arm. The Squeeze test is the ability to push down the sprayer of my Dr Mist . I got no problem with my left hand in squeezing the sprayer for the liquid to exit. But my right index and forefingers are still weak, even the right thumb could not push down the sprayer head.

The other is the Pinch test. This is a quick weight-gain/loss indicator without a weighing-machine. I just pinch my butt to check how much flesh is lost or gained. Presently, it is mostly just skin on my butt; heavy weight loss!

Works everytime ;)

Astro shooting

2006-02-10T14:57:00.000+08:00

A few days back, the newspaper The Star featured my blog in the article on healing blogs. Today, the crew of the ASTRO TV station came to interview for one of their new programme. The programme would be about how people with ailments, problems and other life threatening situations cope with their predicament in an inspiring manner. This programme is scheduled to be aired in a few months time.

This is one of the "exceptional experience" in my healing journey. Understood more about the work involved in a TV series shooting. Quite an enlightening experience for me to look into a camera and talk. In my excitement plus the breathless condition, I had to catch my breath a few times in the beginning of the interview....haha

Thanks to the Astro crew for being such swell guys (and gal) and to guide this amateur celebrity-wannabe in the finer points of cameraship!

Selamat Kembali!

2006-02-06T10:48:00.000+08:00

For many Malaysians, today is the first day of work after a long week of Chinese Lunar New Year celebration, and also Awal Muharam marking the start of the new Muslim calendar.

Welcome back! :)

Update

2006-02-06T10:36:00.000+08:00

During the CNY, my condition has mostly downs than ups. I was in bed most of the time because lying prone is the most comfortable position for me.

The neck pain has moved from the left to the right. The right side of my back still aches which spreads to my right hand. My right index and forefinger has not much strenght still.

My hemorroid is back. Darn!

Breathlessness still persists. I know the left lung is 3/4 filled with fluid, but I think it has stabilised. Can't walk long distance before needing to rest to catch my breath.

Insomnia do sometimes come to visit.

The pain at the right hip is gone after the radiotherapy.

That's it. I am telling you this as a matter-of-fact, not to gain sympathy or get the perverted macho feel :)

Mom to cousin

2006-02-06T10:02:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, two of my UPM friends shared a remarkable side of my life.

My cousin and her husband came to visit me. She is very much my senior, the age difference is decades. Her eldest son is the same age as me. They arrived at the same time when two of my UPM friends were visiting me.

My biological dad has died when I was a few months old, and my biological mom was very unwell because of her gallbladder problem, she eventually died after 10 years due to this ailment. So me and my 6 other siblings were under the care of my mother's brother and his wife. It is to ease the burden for my recently widowed and sickly mother.

One day, a couple came to visit my mother's brother family. The husband of the visiting couple is the uncle of my mother's brother's wife. Bear with me, I know the family ties sounds convoluted!

I was there at the time. A tiny tot of 8 months old, crawling in the dirt and putting sand into my mouth. I crawled up to the visiting couple and climbed on the legs of the husband. Mr Foo picked me up and cuddled me, and I felt asleep immediately on his strong warm right shoulder. Mr and Mrs Foo were so touched that they decided to adopt me there and then. Hey, I was very charming even then!!! :)

That is how my could-be foster mom became my cousin! An elevation of my status! And that was how I became a part of the Foo family.

So yesterday as I see my "cousin" and adopted mom sitting side-by-side, I wondered at the remarkable outcome from the throw of life's dice!

Passing on the New Year

2006-02-06T09:34:00.000+08:00

Talking about death during Chinese New Year is pantang or taboo. But since I take death as inseparable part of life, let's break the taboo.

I have met all of my biological siblings except for my 2nd sister. When my siblings came to visit me during CNY and told me about my 2nd sister, it turned out she passed away from breast cancer last April, while I was in my own cancer struggle. My other siblings didn't tell me about it lest I get depressed about it. But her cancer journey is a celebration of life. She had the cancer ten years ago, was treated and in remission until four years ago when it came back.

I think it is remarkable. She managed to see her kids grow up and become independent. She also found solace in Buddhism and accepted the cycles of life. She requested that her kids wear red at her funeral because she wants it to be a happy occasion. Usually Chinese funeral sees the children of the deceased wearing black and somber colours for others.

I remarked to my siblings that her extra years of remission are like bonuses. She managed to care and watch her kids grow up, and gaining those extra years was a blessing indeed.

The 2nd news I got during CNY was the death of my UPM senior. FCY is a remarkable and dynamic person as I remember him. His name always crop up in new projects and he made a great name at the places he worked. I remembered being interviewed by him and was about to join him at a golf resort as a horticulturist, when I accepted another offer. He had liver cancer and passed on very quickly after the diagnosis, on the 6th day of CNY. Such is the vagaries of life...

Another news of death I received is about a fellow lung cancer patient; LF. Ms K kept me informed about LF's cancer journey. She was on the same qigung class as Ms K, and Ms K was very concerned about LF condition because she is not on chemo nor radio, but depended on a direct-selling product and a Chinese traditional medicine doctor or sinseh.

Although LF was coughing badly and obviously deteriorating to all others who saw her, LF's sinseh insisted that she is having the famous/infamous "healing crisis". The sinseh claims that her coughing is a way her body is expelling the impurities. This sounds eeriely like my experience last May.

I was increasingly unable to breath yet my own sinseh keep commenting that I look better than the last time she saw me! Eventually I could hardly breathe and had to be on an oxygen machine when I was admitted to NCI. When I asked her why she could not detect that my lungs are filling up fast with fluid, she just kept quiet.

Anyway, LF's condition deteriorated towards CNY and she died peacefully on the 2nd day of CNY. Somehow I feel someone should confront her sinseh for her fatal misdiagnosis. It just leave a bad taste in the mouth that the sinseh's misdiagnosis may have robbed LF from seeking useful help.

But all is water under the bridge now.

I wish my late 2nd sister all the best whenever she is now. She has indeed found peace in the final moments in this life. She left this body and this life at peace with herself. She also managed to prepare her siblings and family for her eventual demise.

FCY my UPM senior's life also touched & inspired so many people. I hope his life will be celebrated too while we mourn his passing away.

And LF, may you be well and happy.

...thank you for the music...

2006-01-27T09:25:00.000+08:00

I found that my blogs lately are full of gloom and doom. But that's the reality of my condition. Yet, it is only a part of the whole reality.

I have a lot to be thankful for. And I have neglected to reflect on what is well and good. Things that, not only me, but most of us take for granted and don't give any thoughts to.

Although I am not in the best of health, but I got so much blessings. So let's give thanks and credit where it is due.

First; I still wake up in the morning...haha ;) I can hear the birds chirping. Lots of chirping because of my well-growing vegetable garden, lawn and trees all around. I can hear my neighbour's dogs greeting the mornings with barks.

Second; I can still get out of my bed with my own power :) Although some days it take some effort because of the aches on my back and neck. But heck, I can still get up and go to the bathroom to ...ahem..preen myself ;)

Third; after making myself smell good and visually presentable, I am able to walk to get my breakfast. I am able to pick up the food and munch, swallow and forget about them as they get digested to bring nutrients to my body.

...and so on and on...you get the picture...the teeny weeny things that normally we don't notice as we go thru the motion, but when there is an ailment...oh boy...do u notice them! You will notice that things we take for granted are such wonderful gifts!

And of course, giving thanks to the external circumstances. Your family and friends who stick by you. For me, I may not be able to express my thanks all the time, but I say Thank You for the time and effort you given me. The gestures of which you may think is small, but meant a lot to me...a lot..a lot...a lot.

I think in the balancesheet of life, mine is still very much in the black with a healthy surplus! :) Now I should invest those surplus in things that would multiply them. Things like joy, gratitude and positive thinking so that the dividends benefit me and also those around me. Don't be miserly and stash those healthy surpluses in places so safe that even you would forget about them! Share them! Let them multiply!!!

Today is Friday 27 Jan. By the end of today, Malaysians can look forward to a long special holidays next week as we greet the Chinese Lunar New Year on Sunday and Monday, and then celebrate Awal Muharam (the start of the Muslim calendar) on Tuesday. So I want to leave this blog for a few days on an uplifting and inspirational note.

Come...Join me in rejoicing in the tender small mercies we hardly ever notice. Join me in giving gratitude for things that goes well. Join me in giving thanks that ,whatever that is not going our way, at least we are still capable of making the best of things and rectifying them. Let's appreciate the ups and downs because they make life whole.

And for those who are driving back to their hometowns for the festivities. I wish you a safe journey home and back. Drive carefully and see you again... :)